Humor2

Sam Slonim MD

(Disclaimer: Please do not read this page if you are offended by jokes/humor that some might interpret as being at the expense of others – for example: animals, blondes, church activities, etc. etc. There is some adult content so children shouldn’t read these.)

Is your monitor dirty? To clean from the inside: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0YlizYLImg

Pre-op discussion: what the doctor says vs. what the patient hears http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pH07rQDJBjQ&feature=related

True story: One day I wrote out my treatment recommendations for a patient. She then wrote out the same recommendations herself next to where I had written them as she had trouble reading my handwriting (surprise, surprise). I joked that there was a class in second year medical school to teach us how to write illegibly. Her response, “I’ll bet you aced that class!!!” ###

I encourage most people to exercise regularly. In return a patient sent me this:

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing .....yet lives for 450 years.
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE! ###

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. ###

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" ###

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!" ###

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. ###

From an email some one sent me:
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
5. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
6. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
9. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
10. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. ####

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ####

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did. ####

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money... ####

A 9 year old girl asks her mother how old she is. Mom replies, “This is one of those questions you should not ask people so I’m not going to answer.” Later the girl asks her mother how much she weighs and gets the same answer. A little later she asks, “Mom, why did daddy divorce you?” Mom is frazzled/upset and says “This is something I’m not going to talk about – at least until you get older.”
The next day she tells a friend at school about it. The friend says “you’re going about it the wrong way. You don’t have to ask your mother – just look at her driver’s license some time … all the information is there.” So that evening while her mother is cooking the girl sneaks into mom’s bedroom and looks at her driver’s license. At dinner she says, “Mom, I know you’re 38 years old.” “Very good,” says Mom, “how did you know?” The girl just smiles and says “and you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why daddy divorced you.” Mom is a little upset but curious and says, “Why?” Her daughter answers, “Because you got an F in sex.” ####

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men. ####

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 Seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were In bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." ####

Quiz: what is the message in the following?
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z
scroll down for answer …
…
…
…
…
…
answer: missing you ###

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
…
Answer: Nunu? No! Of course not. Her name is Mary.

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Humor - page 2

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 Seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were In bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." ####

Quiz: what is the message in the following?
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z
scroll down for answer …
…
…
…
…
…
answer: missing you ###

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
…
Answer: Nunu? No! Of course not. Her name is Mary.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. ####

The owner of a small Kosher New York deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.'
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling.
'Well... We also deliver.' ####

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.' ####

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