Humor - page 3

This is for women ….

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

More Blonde jokes …
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!” #####

A man in his 40's bought a new Porsche and was out on Pacific Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle went over 100 mp/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch my Porsche," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 120, 140.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Smitty and Bob, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Smitty didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Smitty hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Smitty lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Smitty, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Smitty! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Smitty, what in the world happened to you?"
Smitty replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Bob. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Smitty said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"
"Yeah," said Bob, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury." #####
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." ######

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing. #####

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
Her husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn't matter,” she said. “Just get out.” #####

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. #####

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

A picture is now only worth 235 words.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

McDonalds is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

My ATM gave me an IOU

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they re-possessed her! ######

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