(Disclaimer: Please do not read this page if you are offended by jokes/humor that some might interpret as being at the expense of others – for example: animals, blondes, church activities, etc. etc. There is some adult content so children shouldn’t read these.)
True story: One day I wrote out my treatment recommendations for a patient. She then wrote out the same recommendations herself next to where I had written them as she had trouble reading my handwriting (surprise, surprise). I joked that there was a class in second year medical school to teach us how to write illegibly. Her response, “I’ll bet you aced that class!!!” ###
I encourage most people to exercise regularly. In return a patient sent me this:
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing .....yet lives for 450 years.
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE! ###
The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. ###
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" ###
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!" ###
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. ###
From an email some one sent me:
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
5. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
6. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
9. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
10. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. ####
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ####
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did. ####
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money... ####
A 9 year old girl asks her mother how old she is. Mom replies, “This is one of those questions you should not ask people so I’m not going to answer.” Later the girl asks her mother how much she weighs and gets the same answer. A little later she asks, “Mom, why did daddy divorce you?” Mom is frazzled/upset and says “This is something I’m not going to talk about – at least until you get older.”
The next day she tells a friend at school about it. The friend says “you’re going about it the wrong way. You don’t have to ask your mother – just look at her driver’s license some time … all the information is there.” So that evening while her mother is cooking the girl sneaks into mom’s bedroom and looks at her driver’s license. At dinner she says, “Mom, I know you’re 38 years old.” “Very good,” says Mom, “how did you know?” The girl just smiles and says “and you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why daddy divorced you.” Mom is a little upset but curious and says, “Why?” Her daughter answers, “Because you got an F in sex.” ####
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men. ####